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COLUMN | LIVING, LOVING & LAUGHING (DEAR DEB) IN THE WEST END

Weaving In and Out of Expectations | 1.11

Write me about this or other topics. We can all help each other become our best selves. I am still interested in responses to February’s Question to Readers. Email: editor@communityreporter.org. If you want to be acknowledged for your letters, let me know. Otherwise all will remain anonymous. Send responses and new questions for Deb, to editor@communityreporter.org or by mail to Ask Deb, c/o Community Reporter, 265 Oneida St., St. Paul 55102.

Spring has sprung

Well, spring has sprung — or has it? It’s snowing outside my window now, but last night I wore a sundress to a party! The lilacs are ripe for the picking but my windshield wipers couldn’t move quickly enough to clear the white stuff from my view of the road to the YWCA this morning. So, dear readers, I am happily inside on this bitter cold day. I’m working on the computer, an engagement I enjoy and that pertains to my topic: social networking. Here’s the question. Here’s my response. Let me know what you think.

Dear Deb,

I have a rich, full, exciting life with a choice of activities, friends, leisure pursuits, professional, community, family, volunteer commitments and humdrum day to day doldrums, sorrows and joys. I am just like you, I expect. I am just like all of my Facebook friends. Here’s my dilemma. I’m in a generation that is somewhat resistant to social networking. I have many acquaintances and friends and even family members (and am meeting more interesting people all the time it seems). I would love to be able to spend time with each and every one of these people and/or engage in events and activities with them but, like you, and everyone else I suspect, I can only stretch myself so far and have to pick and choose how to spend my time and energy.

In the interest of recognizing the various activities and interests of my acquaintances and respecting their time commitments I keep track of their Facebook posts. This way I know who is on vacation, who has a family member in need, who is looking for work, laid up, thoroughly engrossed in a project that requires all or most of their attention. That sort of thing. I am able to rejoice in my friends’ endeavors, commiserate in their frustration and sorrows and generally keep in mind a sense of their well being. I know what music and literature is sending chills up and down their spines, what restaurants they frequent, how funny/demanding their children are and if they are giving of themselves to those in need.

When I run into a fellow Facebooker they don’t have to stop what they are doing and fill me in on what’s taking place in their lives and they don’t need a rundown on my life. I like this. I feel in touch. I feel known, seen, heard and connected. I can ask informed and pertinent questions. I can avoid awkward and painful topics. I also know, because of all this ready information, when it may or may not be a good time for me to insist on a phone call or a visit with them. When I run into someone I love and they are not Facebookers I feel a push/pull between “tell me all about your self — we must catch up” and their wanting to ask the same of me. It seems to me that people who aren’t on Facebook and know me from only one dimension of my life, say we hang at the same coffee shop or live on the same street, don’t really know me in the broader sense and I don’t feel I really know them either. It’s not that I need to have everyone know me in depth or that I need to know them in depth. The dilemma is being able to juggle people’s expectations of me. I easily lose touch with people who resist the computer. I sometimes get a response as if a friend or family member feels insulted at my inattention and lack of availability to engage spontaneously in an activity that’s important to them. “Why haven’t you called?” “Why haven’t we had lunch lately?” “How come you weren’t in church last Sunday?” Is it wrong of me to ask people who say they have an interest in me to take a minute to check out my posts and for me to offer the same in return?

Signed, Complete Facebook-o-phile

Dear Complete,

I think your question gives a new perspective through which we can view the changing nature of friendship and connection to others in our world. To some extent it could be seen as an attitude thing. I know many people who find the computer so impersonal a vehicle they would rather not know what’s happening for a broader range of people than to spend their time with the keyboard. Some sensitivity to dear ones and loved ones in this regard is very important. My mother, for example, mostly enjoys the computer for playing games of Lexulous and Scrabble. I expect her to have seen the grandkids’ photos, my calendar, what I’ve been reading and what projects are absorbing my friends and me when she checks Facebook. Turns out, she doesn’t find it convenient to check Facebook. She doesn’t like to log into the computer and she gets confused about e-mails sent and received. She gets frustrated with Skyping and would rather simply receive an occasional handwritten letter and remain in the dark about my day-to-day goings on. I, on the other hand, shudder to think of the dark I would inhabit if I had not adopted the habits of Skyping, Facebooking, Linking In, e-mailing and, photo and video-text messaging. If I make a new acquaintance and want to know more about them than there’s time to tell I ask them to become a Facebook friend or to share their e-mail address with me. That way I am able to let them know right away their easiest access to me and I am able to learn enough about them to show respect for the boundaries in their lives.

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St. Patrick's Day

I can’t tell you how pleased I am at the result of posting my impending column deadline on “West 7th Where All the Cool Kids Hang Out.” The comments and questions I received focus on a critical neighborhood issue that must deservedly consume our attention. (Yes — it would be redundant to tell me I’m being redundant.) The first reader’s question poses a philosophical, theological and beerparty-ological dilemma faced by the green-dressed leprechauns jigging up and down West Seventh from O’Keenan’s to O’Mancini’s to O’Moe’s and beyond to McGovern’s and the Liffy between the hours of noon and 2 a.m. on our beloved Irish saint’s day.

Dear Deb,
Can I blame St. Patrick for this hangover? Why would he do this to me if he is a saint?
Signed, Hung Over, But Why?

Dear Big Ol’ Innocent Hung-over Guy,
See question and answer below.

Dear Deb,

Do you think electromagnetic radiation affects human beings?

I'm thinking specifically about the lights from our house that seem to have a negative influence on me. (Imagine here photo with house lights and car headlights glaring and shooting crosswise rays.) Like the optical equivalent of fingernails on slate, a Styrofoam cooler in the back of a long car ride, or audio feedback from a bad wedding band.

On the BBC, they will warn you that a story contains flashing lights, and my cousin has asked us not to take flash photos of her son because that’s been known to send him into a seizure. Maybe it’s a British thing. My optic nerve is, not to brag, pretty huge.

So why are humans pretty agreeable about what hurts their skin, nose, ears, and tongue, but we don't agree on the eyes? Doesn't energy get transferred from photons and curry powder and Free Bird and sharp sticks to a human being? What are the equations for those forms of energy?
Seriously, On My Last Optic Nerve

Dear On My Last,
Aren't you the same guy who wrote under the guise of Really Big Hangover yesterday? The answer to both your questions is the same. Yes and Yes. Also, your Facebook friend’s suggestion that the 3:2 equation applies here is quite right. (He said “It’s a basic equation: 3:2 beer causes a bland lifestyle.”) As far as The Brits, flashing lights and seizures, I’d have to say they get it right too. We must also acknowledge the role here of Global Warming in that we had our first hot St Pat’s Day, which required repeated application of the 3:22 equation — that is, squared2 at a minimum — often applied in the form of Smithwick’s, Guinness, and W 7th area micro-brews.

Another contributor pointed out the applicability of Seinfeld to the issues you’ve raised. He said, “As with everything important in life, this issue has already been covered in the Seinfeld episode in which Kramer has a seizure. Here’s the link: youtube.com/watch?v=v-SQqKaaUbw.

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Listen, love, laugh

Dear Deb,
I try to be an upbeat and positive person and, for the most part, my spirits are high and I love my life. Right now though, with Valentine’s Day rapidly approaching, I’m finding it hard to entertain a loving spirit. Why is that? Is it that winter never quite came and still seems unending? Is it the emergence of a worse-than-ever political season that has nothing to do with peace and love but rather has everything to do with denigration and division? I hardly had ten seconds to rejoice that we would no longer be at war in Iraq before existing powers started talking a “take no prisoners” approach to Iran. Right now it seems there is very little sense to be made of anything. It’s only at times I am resting with fellows of like mind that I can relax, take deep breaths and momentarily feel all is right with my world. I feel a need to hide myself away. Any advice for me from you and/or your readers would be helpful.
Someone’s not so happy Valentine

Dear Someone’s,
I’m imagining there are many people feeling the same doldrums and loss of high spirit you describe. Perhaps Valentine’s Day was put dead center in deep winter to give us an opportunity to take a loved-one in our arms and close the door on the world for that very reason. Sometimes (even without a loved one to hold) we have to love ourselves enough to simply close the door on the intruding and uncaring world and seek a stillness and solitude that comforts. Though it’s certainly important to keep an awareness of the larger world and our part in it, there comes a time for renewal and refreshment that requires attention to keeping ourselves whole and happy. My advice is to sequester yourself, alone or with others you dearly love and with whom you feel reciprocity and safety. Listen, love, laugh. The world outside can wait. And when you re-enter, your calm and refreshment will make the world a better place.

Dear Readers,
Received a couple of questions this month about gifts of art. One reader asked the proper response to gifts of art that simply do not fit your taste or your décor. These gifts can be as simple as tea towels or as extravagant as a carefully rendered landscape painting. Another reader, an artist himself, said he seldom responds well to a gift of art because his tastes are very specific. He has taken great pains to build his art collection and can’t figure how to incorporate pieces that aren’t quite suitable.

Dear Gift Recipients,
Receiving gifts we can’t really use or simply don’t like much is a tough one. Almost always gifts are given with the intention of kindness and generosity. I’m asking myself now how I would want a gift I’ve given from my good intentions to be received. Having received the occasional gift I don’t know what to do with and certainly having given gifts I’ve later learned were not particularly welcome I think I have to stick with the old adage, “It’s the thought that counts.” A kind and grateful response to the gift giver is always in order. It is often possible to offer the gift to someone with suitable tastes on another occasion. I think a kind “How kind of you to bring me a gift,” is the only response necessary. Gift giving among family members, lovers and/or best friends is a different issue entirely. In these cases it’s appropriate to establish expectations, understanding and boundaries to be sure we don’t run roughshod over our loved one’s feelings.
And this on gift-giving in general….

Dear Deb,
People seem to get in a bunch over gifts. What to give? How to accept what you don’t like? “It’s the thought that counts.” Yes — but I want the chance to have something tangible to accept or reject. You can’t fob me off with “I’m thinking of you so fondly and that’s my gift to you.” NOT! So I get the thing and it doesn’t meet my skyscraper standards — what do I do? I re-gift. Instead of keeping the damn thing in my front closet so I can bring it out any time the giver is expected, I simply pass it on. Now please note that I pass it on with DEEP THOUGHTS for the person who will now receive it, not just automatically. And if the giver comes by and is obviously looking around to see where I put her offering, I tell her that I loved it so much I couldn’t resist making a gift of it — just as she had done. (Right?)
Not a hoarder

Dear Not a hoarder,
It sounds as if you might be saying “Lighten up about the gift thing, already. If one receives a gift one does not want, give it to someone who does want it!” That sounds like one solution to me. Hopefully anyone who gives you a gift will do it in the spirit of “hope you like it but, if not, I won’t like you any less if you return it or give it to someone else.” Seems to me that is the safest spirit in which to give a gift.
Sincerely, Deb

P.S. Now I know what happened to that set of quilted coasters I gave you!

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Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

As luck would have it my deadline this month is MARTIN LUTHER KING JR. DAY. I find this inspirational in light of the questions and comments my readers have raised regarding how we, as individuals, congregations and communities can respond and have an impact on current conditions of inequality and poverty. A friend on Facebook posted a link that contained a couple of Dr. King quotes I want to share with you.

“Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.”

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

One reader told me she watched the steady physical and apparent psychological and economic decline of a fellow parishioner. She became disheartened and felt rather hopeless to provide any help or counsel. One day in church, prayers were raised for the down-and-out woman. Finally our reader gathered her courage and asked the woman why she had never said anything about her need for assistance until now. The woman raised her eyes and said, “Why didn’t you ever ask?”

Another reader despaired that, he, as one individual, could do so little to help the masses that are so deeply in need. Other readers have asked how they could become volunteers and what are the specific needs of those living in poverty and without homes.

What I make of all this is that if we knew how to help, how to make a difference, we would try. Lately I’ve been thinking of poverty and homelessness in terms of return on investment economics. This may sound a bit cold, but I think the separation of altruism and charity from the broader economic concerns of our world is a mistake. How many studies have been done showing the long-range benefits of providing education, health care, meals, housing, transportation and childcare to those in need? Always the lifting up of this segment of society allows for economic gain for the larger society. Other studies show if we do not make this type of investment we pay a much greater price to incarcerate those who have fallen into lives of crimes. We pay a price in failing to provide education, in that ignorance often leads to bigotry and hatred and results in war, greed and domestic violence. When each citizen of our world is alone in the need to survive and has no community to provide for basic human needs, some few people will rise above the fray and become wealthy and powerful. I think this is what Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was saying when he said, “An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.”

This is all to say that I believe the answer to “what can one person do?” has become a moral, political and economic question. But it’s more practical than that, too. It’s an issue that requires us to put our money where our politics are, at least to the extent we focus on issues regarding the good sense and feasibility of a new Viking’s Stadium or the addition of more upscale housing when the need for affordable housing is pressing.

I’m a common sense kind of gal for the most part. I like to ask, “How much does it cost? How much will it benefit?” Lately as I ask these questions as they relate to lifting people out of poverty, the initial price tag seems tiny. Let’s see if we can exemplify the life of Martin Luther King Jr. in our concerns for our community and for the future of our world. Write to me and let’s keep the conversation going, okay?

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A New Year

A new year! I’m dumbstruck. How did that happen? Holidays have passed. Those memorable communications and relationship snafus remain. I’m thinking we might mostly need a brief REMEDIAL COMMUNICATIONS 101. What do you think?

Dear Deb,
I am an elderly woman and I like to play word games. I have a young friend who also enjoys word games. We are pretty evenly matched and have fun together. I have one problem with her. In a discussion about the meaning of a word, she declares flatly the she has the correct meaning. If there is a question about the rules of a game and we look up the rules and it turns out I am correct, she says, “Well, we never played it that way before” or at best “I must be thinking of a different game.”

My question: Will I be out of line or in danger of losing my game partner, if I suggest she might want to modify some of her dogmatic statements from “This is the way it is” to “I think but I could be wrong?”

I enjoy your column very much and think you are a smart young woman. I’d love to meet your mother sometime. Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I wish you could meet my mother and that she had an easy answer to this type of question. Let’s see, in the absence of her perspective and wisdom, if I can be helpful here. I’ll do a bit a guessing and say I’m thinking this friend might be what Dr. Phil would call, “A ‘Right’ fighter….” This means it is quite possible she has some emotional investment in being “right” and feels being “wrong” or “mistaken” says something shameful about her, so that she feels inadequate when she doesn’t come out on top in her perception and statement of her opinion. This is one of the “Five Losing Strategies” in communicating effectively in relationships. As Terrence Real, author of “The New Rules of Marriage,” points out in his quick reference guide, the number-one losing strategy is this: “Needing to be Right.” He breaks it down into “(a) Finding out whose view is more “valid” or “accurate”; (b) Leads to endless objectivity battles; and (c) Fuels the psychological violence of self-righteous indignation.” He offers five winning strategies and his book is worth the read, but the most important point in any communication process that fails to satisfy the participants is this: It’s almost as simple as the STOP, DROP & ROLL response when warned of a fire. It is: STOP, THINK, CARE, LISTEN WITH EMPATHY. “How to Communicate” author M. McKay, PhD., describes it this way. “Listening with empathy means saying to yourself, ‘This is hard to hear, but it’s another human being trying to live.’ Ask yourself: ‘How did this belief or this decision, though it may ultimately fail, lower this person’s anxiety or get some needs met?’
“Your ability to listen naturally goes down when someone is angry, criticizes, or wallows in self-pity. If you find listening with empathy difficult, ask these questions: (1) What need is the [right-fighting, etc.] coming from? (2) What danger is this person experiencing? (3) What is he or she asking for?”

You may or may not wish to bone up on your skills through reading these books. A simple solution for immediate use is to follow the above steps toward empathic listening and then say something along the lines of, “Oh, you think so? You might be right!”

Would love to know how this works out for you.

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The Empty Nest: Blessing or Curse

Dear Deb,

This year I’ve published a novel, accumulated another dozen LIVING, LOVING & LAUGHING columns and climbed upon my lectern regarding HOUSING ASSISTANCE, repeatedly trying to ignore a gnawing sense my words were going unread. The other day on MPR an author was interviewed regarding his book, titled “READ THIS OR YOU’RE DEAD TO ME” Not long ago I would have stolen this cynical title and sent it into the world in rant form because I feared I had so few readers. Well, not so the last couple of months (I’m happy to say!). Mr. MPR Author can have his title. You, dear readers, have found and used your voices. Not only do I have “readers” but I also have “responsive readers!” I’m overjoyed. There is far too much from you for one column alone. Still, keep those cards and letter coming please.

THE EMPTY NEST: Blessing or Curse?
I am a recent empty nester and I just want to say that, although I miss my kids, I don’t miss them that much. My husband and I have a suddenly deeper connection in our own marriage, enjoying so much uninterrupted time together for the first time in 21 years. We go out on a date and know that when we come home we won’t be faced with siblings needing mediation or one or the other needing to process the phone call they just finished. Whatever mood we set on the date need not be broken by returning home. Or we settle in to watch a movie together with the same knowledge that the evening is all ours. How refreshing…and quite honestly, sexy.

But don’t get me wrong. I’m really looking forward to my kids coming home for vacations and even for the summertime, but as much fun, laughter and love as the house will be filled with during those times, I know I won’t mind the return to this quieter life where my husband and I are once again focused mostly on each other.

Sadly, I’m finding that our empty nest experience is perhaps not all that common. We recently attended a picnic at the home of a friend. I was chatting with a woman who commented on the fact that I was a recent empty nester. She was a bit older than me and before I could say anything she said, ‘I think that the empty nest is the saddest time in a marriage.” Really? She just said that? I was taken aback for two reasons. First, someone I’m only marginally acquainted with seemed to be telling me that her marriage, in and of itself, sucks big time — and that’s awkward. Second, if I’m honest, I will have to enthusiastically disagree with her and that seems a bit heartless. I just chose to say that we were finding our new freedom bittersweet.

Furthermore, a friend’s husband recently broke into tears while out to dinner for his birthday, because it was the first birthday his daughter (who shares his birth date) had not been present with him. And when I say broke into tears, I mean he sobbed. My friend told me the crying is a daily occurrence. And yet another friend has shared that she is wondering what she and her husband will do once their last birdie flies from the nest next fall because everything outside of their jobs is attending his events and taking care of his needs and she can’t remember the last time they went on a date.

So, I don’t really have a question, I’m just a little sad by the news that the return to simply being a couple, after years of quite happily sharing the highs and lows of parenthood, is a real blow to so many folks, rather than an exciting next phase in their marriages. I told everyone who asked me in advance of our empty nest that I thought it would be bittersweet, but truly its not, it’s just sweet. And I’m looking for more folks who share my joy because I have to believe there are more of them out there than I’ve discovered so far. Perhaps they wouldn’t mind writing in.

Your friend who is, Happy to be going to Parent’s Day at least two hours away

Dear Happy, Your letter cheers me greatly. Enough said. You heard the woman, Readers. Perhaps you wouldn’t mind writing in.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS & SEASON’S GREETINGS

Write about this or other topics. We can help each other become our best selves. If you want to be acknowledged for your letters, let me know. Otherwise all will remain anonymous. Send your responses and new questions for Deb, to editor@communityreporter.org or by mail to Ask Deb, c/o Community Reporter, 265 Oneida St., St. Paul 55102.

Baffled

November 2011. And now the fall is fading…. For me the last couple of months have been a time of equanimity and serenity for the most part. I wish the same for you. As the seasons change new questions of our responsibility to loved ones, our communities and to complete strangers emerge.

Dear Deb,
Take my wife! Please! But, seriously, Deb. I do have some issues with the coming of the cold weather and increased proximity to my nearest and dearest. Don’t get me wrong. I love spending time with her. It’s just that our mutual love of our den during football season, the baseball playoffs (World Series….) & her desire to be near me while multitasking on phone, computer, magazines and other written material and carrying on conversations with me — Well, we are at odds. How do I tell her, without being mean or hurting her feelings that I really need to concentrate on these sports events and that her expletives at the phone and computer and desire to share her frustration, joy and O Magazine discoveries with me at these times is, frankly, infuriating. Baffled Spouse

Dear Baffled,
Your circumstances sound strangely familiar to me. I can understand your furor and frustration. Moving it all indoors in the cooler weather often leads to far too much togetherness even for the most loving couples. I’ll refer you to a column I wrote some time ago about “Love Language.” In my experience it doesn’t much matter what the issue or frustration or irritation is. The way we tell others how we feel and what’s bothering us makes all the difference. If in doubt about the irritating individual’s love-language, your best course is to use “I” statements. Make the frustration, not about how unbearably annoying she is and how can she possibly expect you to put up with her shenanigans but, rather, about what would help you enjoy her company more. You might try something like this during a muted commercial. “Pooch-y-boo. Can I just talk to you for a second while I have a break from this game or at your earliest convenience?” If her response is to behave with irritation at your interruption of her mischief, be respectful and calm until she comes to a break in her tasks. Once you have her attention, smile (if at all possible), wink, look into her eyes, maybe even pinch her cheek a little and say, “Love you, sweetheart but I gotta tell you I’m feeling (whatever you’re feeling) “Annoyed,” “Invisible,” “Interrupted,” “Like my pleasures are unimportant to you.” Then, “Can we talk about how to be together and share this space while showing regard for each others’ preferred activity?” You won’t likely want to have a long conversation during the commercial but can agree to talk more about this over a cup of coffee at Fresh Grounds, Claddagh, The Day by Day Café, The Mad Hatter or Mojo Monkey. Baseline of communication is really quite simple: If a person you love says they feel something, care about it. Always use I statements. Failure to use “I” statements results in others feeling accused and our natural, animal response (rather than caring about the accuser), is to protect ourselves. This natural response is the biggest barrier to human communication. Following these two simple principles will make your every engagement flow much more smoothly. Gentleness of speech and touch are huge components of smooth communication as well. Can’t wait to learn how this all turns out. Sincerely, Deb

Next month I will address issues arising from the prior column and article about Homeless Assistance and what we can do as individuals and as a community or congregation to alleviate the suffering of our neighbors without shelter.

Oh, and Happy Thanksgiving and gratitude to my dear, dear readers.

Attracting the wrong attention | 10.11

Dear Readers:

Remember way back in August when all the kids in the neighborhood were running around in minimal clothing and trying to look and stay cool? This column featured a question by “Anonymous” expressing concern about a preteen girl’s attire and demeanor attracting the wrong kind of attention from older (maybe not so much wiser) boys. I learned some readers thought “Anonymous” was a man and found the column a little “creepy,” as in, “Why is this guy paying so, so much attention to this preadolescent girl?” Well, sillies! The writer was a woman! This is not to say a caring man would not share the writer’s concerns. Just that (and this is weird I think) a man writing as “anonymous” evokes this creepiness response in some people. Something to think about (I’m thinking). For the particular Reader’s Question refer to August Community Reporter archives under columns.

Readers’ responses were, as always, varied. One teenaged type family member of mine (female) joked, “Tell her to mind her own gosh-o-golly business!” Then laughed, referred to the psychology textbook in her lap, adjusted her glasses, and pretended to seek a reference under what she referred to as the chapter on “Little SL&#Ts.” She threw her head back and laughed at the looks on the surrounding adult faces, then said she was sure her mom and dad would know exactly what to say to the girl’s parents.

The question was one of safety, not unlike a question a few months ago about a texting/phoning teenage driver. Is it best to err on the side of caution, face the situation and just tell the kid directly about the concerns? Or, and especially in the case of a scantily clad preteen, is approaching the child directly inappropriate for a near stranger? I’m going to suggest erring on the side of caution concerning the child’s safety. If you are a stranger, approach the parents or guardians and express your concern. If the child appears to be in imminent danger don’t hesitate to simply call the police. I’m a big one for “better safe than sorry.”

Last month Dear Deb spoke about the dramatic increase in the need for Housing Assistance services in our community. Your responses were compassionate and inquisitive. Are we powerless? What can be done? What can we do? See this month’s article about the work of the Homeless Advisory Board’s.

One reader reminded me of a quote by Mother Theresa: “Your brother’s newsletter is really, really powerful. And makes me despair that any change can come about. I have to go back to a quote from Mother Teresa to keep it in perspective: “In this life we can do no great things. We can only do small things with great love.” Yes.

Write me about this or other topics. We can all help each other become our best selves. If you want to be acknowledged for your letters, let me know. Otherwise all will remain anonymous. Send your responses and your new questions for Deb, to editor@communityreporter.org or by mail to Ask Deb, c/o Community Reporter, 265 Oneida St., St. Paul 55102.

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Poverty and homelessness | 9.11

Dear Deb,

Dear Readers (and you are very dear to me, by the way):
I don’t have a lot of letters or conversations or questions to share this month but I’m guessing I’m going to bring up what’s on the hearts and heads of many of us. I’m here on the West End, yes, LIVING & LOVING but short on the laughter in some ways. I wish I could say I feel well removed from the poverty and lack of hope that permeate the news around the world. I do feel deeply blessed and privileged but despair is around every corner and behind every cloud. Some of you know I serve on The Homeless Advisory Board as a representative of residents of St. Paul. While there are many thriving programs and opportunities to assist and offer help and guidance, there are many more people in need than can be helped. My sister and brother-in-law live and work in a Cincinnati community and share a common bond with all of us concerned with poverty and homelessness. I want to share a portion of my brother’s newsletter with my neighbors here and ask you if the circumstances of people’s lives sound familiar to you and, further, ask you to write to me to share your stories, questions and concerns.

Dear Friends,
This is a mean season — Jobs are scarce. Government programs are tightening their belts. Rents are due. People are scared.
On every busy corner around here, somebody is holding up a sign asking for help. It used to be you knew those folks were junkies, but these days you don’t need a habit to be desperate.

Last night I had to tell Diana’s not-yet-twenty-year-old daughter that she can’t keep staying with her mom because, if she gets caught, HUD will throw them both out of the cheap-but-highly-regulated apartment we rent to keep Diana off the street. We found her a place, but it won’t last long unless she finds work, and the felony on her record makes that a long shot, even with our help.

Dena called a few days before that, crying that she had nothing to feed her four kids until their food stamps arrived. I know she and her husband smoke and drink and manage their money worse than Bernie Madoff on his worst day, but hungry kids are hungry kids. Anyway, the food I took over doesn’t change the fact that they are four months behind on their rent.

I could go on, but you get the picture. In a world where almost everyone is one check away from homeless, it feels like all the checks have stopped at once. Nobody here has any savings. Unskilled, unhealthy, and often unemployable, these people weren’t making it very well even when times were good. Now they’re not making it at all.

The question is what are the rest of us to do?
Loaning money to people who can never pay it back doesn’t work, but standing by while they get evicted ends friendships almost as surely. Taking people into our homes sounds good, but only if those people are both willing and able to do what it takes to be independent again. In this neighborhood, in this economy, we need another answer.

Almost every day, somebody sends me an article about some new program that miraculously transforms inner-city nightmares like ours into dreams come true. When I look more closely, however, I find that those programs are expensive and only seem to work for the most highly motivated poor people.
Almost every night, we here have a conversation about somebody we love who is in trouble. We take turns coming up with ideas and shooting them down: ‘She doesn’t read well enough for that.’ ‘He won’t show up.’ ‘She can’t be on her feet more than an hour.’ ‘Her mom won’t help.’ ‘He’s drinking again’. ‘They’ll spend the money on something else.’

Over and over, we try to work out problems that have no solutions. Over and over, we end up right back where we started; living and eating, laughing and crying, walking and talking together with dear people we can almost never really help.

I’m not trying to bum you out. Believe it or not, I’m trying to draw you in. I figure that if enough of us lie awake wondering what to do for the rest of us, then maybe one of us will find a new answer after all.”
Bart Campolo, Walnut Hills, Cincinnati, Ohio, August 10, 2011.

Write me about this or other topics. We can all help each other become our best selves. If you want to be acknowledged for your letters, let me know. Otherwise all will remain anonymous. Send your responses and your new questions for Deb, to editor@communityreporter.org or by mail to Ask Deb, c/o Community Reporter, 265 Oneida St., St. Paul 55102.

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Nourish, Amuse and Enlighten | 8.11

In April a reader submitted a question about her elderly aunt who could not be dissuaded from sending her niece unwelcome e-mails. Last month a reader from Seattle wrote in response to my suggestion and we published her comments. I received a delightful and beautifully written letter on the same topic this month from “Forwarder”:

Dear Deb,
I am a recipe, joke and religious ditty forwarder who wonders whether you have room in your busy day to receive my offerings. We are a group that seeks only to nourish (recipes), amuse (jokes), and enlighten (religious ditties). We have no other agenda. It hurts us to be rejected, as it hurts anyone else. It seems ironic that with all the incredibly stupid material being circulated on the Internet, social networking sites and the like, that people are so intolerant of our small efforts to contribute to the flood. Since you also give advice, maybe you could come up with something for us?

By the way, have you heard the one about the rabbi, minister and priest who walk into a bar…?
Sincerely, Forwarder

Dear Forwarder,
I so loved your letter! And, no, I had not heard the one about the rabbi, minister and priest who walk into a bar and quickly wrote my editor to ask if he happened to know the joke. He knew it. He shared it. I laughed and laughed. Is this it? The one you mean? “A rabbi, minister and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks from one to the other, stops, says, “What is this supposed to be?… Some kind of a joke?”

But I digress. The reader who was annoyed by her aunt represents only her own point of view. My personal point of view is I’m open to people sending me all sorts of stuff, and if I don’t want to open it or, having opened it, don’t want to view it, it is my perfect right to close it, delete it or respond to it that I don’t like it and don’t want any more of same. Also, I can open it, view it, get a huge kick out of it and forward it to everyone on my list (and often do). Sometimes a recipient writes me and asks to be removed from my mailing list and I oblige. I can’t thank you enough for your fun submission. You can forward me recipes, jokes and/or religious ditties any old time.

QUESTION for my READERS: This is such a good one and the answer could be complicated. Please, dear readers, give me your suggestions for a response.
Dear Deb,
There is a very nice young girl on my street who worries me a bit. Just two years ago she and her other girl friend actually wanted to talk to me, even hang out; they wanted me to show them how to draw. They even brought some other art work over to my house and I looked at it on my front porch. Now, they are suddenly a half foot taller and sorta lanky and they don’t have any time for me. I’m guessing they were 10 back then and now must be 12 or 13 maximum. Well anyway. Recently one warm Sunday I was walking in a very open park near my house and I saw one of these girls sunbathing on a towel, she was wearing a very tiny bikini and was bending around in an immodest way. There was one very young man like 20 or so and two other boys maybe 12 and 14 years of age milling around her texting and talking on cell phones. The older boy had a truck and was carting the other two boys around. I thought it was a natural thing to do, show off your beautiful body once you discover it has feelings and that boys like it. But I thought that combination of one scantily clad girl, three boys (fully clothed mind you), cell phones, and a vehicle was a stereotypically bad situation. I see her now and again hanging with that youngest boy who’s probably her age. It seems he must be her first boyfriend. Should I tell her father or her mom what I saw at the park? Her parents are divorced and I mainly see the father. Yours truly, Anonymous

Neighbor's child is terrified of dogs | 7.11

Last month I indulged myself by giving and taking my own advice. I promised I would bring you questions and comments of readers in my next column. Readers have raised some interesting questions and have often presented me with the answers as well.

Dear Deb,
My husband and I have five school age children who love to play outdoors. Our yard is a complete kid magnet and has been for the last three years. Our kids have wanted a dog for the longest time and we were finally able to adopt a sweet mutt who we all love very much. We have always had an easy back and forth relationship with our next door neighbors, whose little girl is the same age as our daughter. The girls come and go between the houses and yards and have pretty much been inseparable. The problem is this. The neighbor girl is terrified of dogs. She always loved to play in our yard and at our house (we have a big outdoor play set) but since the dog has come to live with us she won’t come near without having her dad carry her in his arms. My husband and I, as well as the little girl’s parents, felt terrible about this and it was making life a bit lonely for our daughter too. We sat down and figured out a solution with our neighbors. We made sure doggie was well fed, comfortable and securely attached to a leash. The little girl’s parents brought her over and held her close while we let the dog sniff her until she laughed and said it tickled. When doggie calmed down and sort of lost interest we put the little girl’s hand on his head and let her feel his silky fur. Doggie licked her hand and after a while, when our little neighbor realized how friendly our dog is, she felt safe having her parents leave her here to play. Peace and play have been realized! Minnesota Kool-Aid Mom

Dear Kool-Aid Mom,
Timely advice with the coming of spring and all the wild things emerging into shared space! Deb

Dear Deb,
As I drive in and out of my neighborhood I sometimes pass the teenage daughter of my neighbor down the street, driving, and on her cell phone. I feel that the issue of talking and driving is a serious one, especially with teens. Do I tell the parents? I don’t know them well. If so, what would I say?“ No Phone Zone” Driver

Dear No Phone,
I thought this one might best be answered by a teenager. I solicited responses from six of my favorite teenagers (to whom I happen to be related…). I learned that teenagers are busy, and perhaps less than thrilled to be asked, but still had an especially astute response from a very bright young man of sixteen. He suggested you say, and I quote. “Hmmm. ‘Hi, I’m your neighbor and I know it’s none of my business, but safety never takes a holiday. Therefore with that in mind, I sometimes see your daughter talking on the phone and driving. I would hate to see her name in the newspaper for a car accident and know that I could have tried to prevent that cell phone use and I didn’t.’ ” I’ll let you know later if anyone comes up with a better answer. For now, this seems to fit the bill, don’t you think?

Note to Self | 5.11

Dear Deb,
Just thinking you might want to take some of your own advice this month. I understand some of your recent circumstances have disrupted your sense of continuity. The love of your life had unexpected surgery and, while all assurances were and are that he will make a full recovery, you’ve doubtless felt little control over your world and your role in it.

People have been concerned about you and your dear ones and assumed a level of fear and anxiety you didn’t feel and you wonder if you’ve been in shock and are certain you’ve been coated in the protective covering of adrenaline. Life became entirely new in an instant didn’t it? Maybe you assumed life would automatically go back to the old version of normal as soon as the crisis abated? I think you’ll have to think again. After the adrenaline rush comes, what? Yes. That’s right. Exhaustion — the need to re-group — the re-learning of the day-to-day flow of things. The recognition that the proverbial brick has hit you and it will take some healing before you are ready to return to living life with a vengeance. Admit it. You are tired. You want a nice cuddle. You want someone to run your tub for you and then to, yes, that’s right, wash your back. You want to be wrapped in a great warm towel and rocked and read to by the fire. Yes. Self. You take it from me. I know what’s good for you.

Here’s the other thing, Dear Deb — you probably have a fair amount of questions, answers and ideas from others that you could add to this month’s column. I think you should take my advice and leave all that for another day, another month, another time. Take time to rest easy now that your dear one has recovered. Smell the crocus and tulips. Send readers your very best wishes and ask them to write if they have any advice they would like to pass on to the world at large or to you in particular. I’ll close for now and will eagerly await your response.
Yours Very Truly, Deb

Next month look for: Volunteerism; Response from Seattle reader; Validation and Social Media, and Neighbors: Their Kids & Their Dogs.

In Too Deep | 4.11

Dear Deb,
I am 18 years old and about to graduate from high school. I fell deeply in love with a girl a year older than I am when I was 15. She is just now finishing her first year of college. About six months ago I realized that, though I love her and can’t quite imagine life without her, she is not a person I can ever marry or spend my life with. I can’t handle her family because it’s way too different from me and my family. I don’t like the way they relate and don’t want them as grandparents to my children. I don’t feel intellectually stimulated by this girlfriend. Also, she is rapidly heading toward obesity and I’m into physical energy and physical activity. She told me some time ago that she is ready right now to say she is committed forever and I wasn’t ready to deal with the loss, loneliness and turmoil of a break-up so I tried to make myself believe it was all right to stay. I really do have some wonderful times with her but I know in my heart that I’m not being fair to her to hold on for fear of how lonely and sad I will be without her. It just seems cruel to come right out and tell her how I feel about her family, her weight and lack of energy and/or our lack of intellectual compatibility. What can I do? Sincerely, In Too Deep

Dear In Too Deep,
You are wise to be thinking about the appropriateness/inappropriateness of continuing in this relationship. You are right to realize that hanging on is unfair to her. I have asked another column reader to help me with the answer to this one. She advises that you sit down and think through your feelings and write down what you want to say. Since you know that she is not what you want in a life partner and she wants that commitment from you, you have to say goodbye.
Make sure she knows that you don’t feel she has done anything wrong. You might want to try to express your appreciation for your time together in some detail, and find ways to tell her of your hopes for her path in life.
Expect some serious tears and heartache on both your part and hers. Stay solid in your knowledge of what you need for your future. I suggest that whatever you choose to say to her that you also send it in letter form so that she has time to consider it outside of what is sure to be an emotional encounter and so she has it to refer to as she goes through aspects of loss that she is bound to go through. The pain will ease. You will be ready when the right woman comes along.
Very truly yours, Someone’s Mother

Dear Deb,
I have an elderly but very computer-savvy aunt who I rarely see, but I visited with her at the recent funeral of a family member. She asked for my e-mail address, which I gave to her, but I very politely told her that I don’t like to receive jokes and forwarded items at all, and she said she totally understood and wouldn’t send me that kind of thing. I didn’t see anything from her for a couple of months and now all of a sudden my inbox has two or three forwarded e-mails from her every day. Do I say something or just “delete, delete, delete?” I feel like because she is my elder I should cut her some slack and just delete them, but it is irritating because I feel like she ignored my request. Any advice? Thanks, Confused

Dear Confused,
This is a problem readers frequently encounter with people who are like “one trick ponies” with the computer. Back in the early days of e-mail certain people discovered they could amuse themselves and others without having to think up anything to say by sending jokes, recipes, cartoons and idle gossip to a whole slew of people on their mailing list at once and elicit all sorts of communication in return. All this at the click of the mouse! I have several of these individuals on my “when in doubt, delete” list. Now, most of us are on the social networks and can take it or leave it when people post material. These strictly e-mailers are clogging our in-boxes instead of our Facebook home pages. I don’t recommend opening a discussion with this aunt about these messages. Her actual personal attention to you may be more annoying and require more of you than these forwarded “ditties.” Just read the subject line, decide if you have any interest, select and delete. Keep her on your mailing list for anything you might send to a general audience that seems interested in your observations and goings on. Maybe she’ll get annoyed and take you off her list. That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

Love Language: Reflections on a Valentine | 3.11

A short deadline this month has me writing this column just before Valentine’s Day. Naturally I’ve been thinking about love and how we see ourselves vs. how we’re seen, and how that affects communication and, in fact, entire relationships. A friend recently directed me to refresh my memory about the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman (1992). I’ve always felt the concept was pretty simplistic but now realize a basic reference point, choice of five options, is quite helpful. The book offers exercises to help the reader determine their love language. If you do the exercises with a loved one, you can compare love languages, and, the hope is (I think) that you can let the people you love know what makes you feel most loved and treasured in relationships. You learn what makes your loved ones feel most loved and, if you keep that in mind in your interactions with others, they feel loved by you and you feel loved by them.

Recently my daughter-in-law and I were discussing love languages. It was interesting to me that she guessed my love language was SERVICE. I said, “Hmmm. That’s interesting. What makes you say that?” She said something like, “Well, you’re always doing something, taking care of someone or something….” I hadn’t taken the quiz to determine my love language at the time but I felt strongly that SERVICE would not be number one. I did understand that, since she sees me in the role of grandma and mom, homemaker, wife to grandpa, and doesn’t have much occasion to view my life otherwise, she would likely have a very different view of me than I have of myself.

In truth, I love almost nothing better than a quiet, easy, reciprocal time in the company of a person or people I love or a quiet, focused time in my studio or with a good book. I like to think I’m a gracious hostess and I do like to create a welcoming, inviting atmosphere around me. That focus could seem like one of service, but I think of it more as an aspect of my attitude toward beauty, comfort and joy. I do very little out of a sense of service to anyone or anything, though I hold the hope that by “being the change I wish to see in the world” (Gandhi), I bring pleasure and joy to the lives of others.

My husband and I took the test, compared scores
Mine: quality time (laughing, talking, playing, working, studying together) 33%; kind words and affirmation (being heard & cared for) 30%; physical touch 23%; acts of service and receiving gifts, 7% each.

My spouse: physical touch, 33%; quality time 30%; acts of service (giving and receiving), 20%; kind words and affirmation, 17%; receiving gifts, 0%.

I think our scores are pretty much right on. Want to take the test? Here’s a link so you can do it online, instant and free: afo.net/hftw-lovetest.asp. Tell people you love how you want to be loved and listen to them tell you. HAPPY LIVING & LOVING!

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Time for Resolutions | 2.11

Is it that the beginning of a new year is the time for resolutions and trying to make things better that brings out the conversations about shame, self-disgust, feeling let down or like we’re letting someone else down? I don’t know how many times since Christmas I’ve had someone say something to me that’s made me think, “Hey, take it easy on yourself, dear one...” I think that because I want to be able to give myself a little wiggle-room and find ways to forgive my own lack of perfection. I’m wanting to know how you, Dear Reader, let go of self-recrimination and rise to a place of being your better self. I’ve talked to people this month who’ve overspent, hurt people with their words, overeaten, drank too much, become too angry, didn’t exercise enough and watched trash TV to excess. So I’m making this topic the QUESTION TO READERS this month. Let’s help each other out.

Dear Reader,
What techniques do you use to help yourself return to serenity? How do you let go of the desire to control what you can’t control? If you’ve succumbed to behaviors that make you feel ashamed, what’s your technique toward self-forgiveness and even compassion toward others who’ve failed you or themselves? Seems to me “‘Tis the Season” always. There’s not a particular day or time when we’re absolved of our desire toward perfection nor a season when there’s no need to let ourselves or others off the hook. Since we’ve all been there and done that (whatever our failings…) let’s share our secret tools for success at forgiveness of self and others. Talk to me. Talk to each other.

Last month’s column elicited some interesting responses. One reader offered some advice from her St. Paul neighborhood. “As to your neighbors who like to party, our block has struggled with St. Thomas students for almost all of 40 years. We called the police often when things got out of hand after 10 p.m. Just be consistent in dealing with them and set up ‘Neighborhood Rules.’ We had some success with the police, but it was a real pain keeping on top of the kids. Also, get a number for the mom who set up the rental and find out if there is a lease. It might be a good idea to write up rules to be followed and consequences if they don’t comply. I’d add that the mother should be called when the ‘rules’ are ignored.”

Another reader offered this for the Habitat “Lady”: “Isn’t it unwise to ‘bond’ with applicants that you may have to judge for home ownership? Don’t know myself but I would consider that future advice.”

Dear Deb,
I enjoy reviewing cultural events, books, movies, music and theater and find I mostly have something positive I want to share. Recently I attended an event I fully expected to love but came away having pretty much hated the thing. Still, I would like to share my opinion of the event but wonder how the human being on the end of the “criticism” will be affected by my negative comments. I often read the work of critics and wonder how they live with themselves after some of the cruel blows they deal. Your thoughts? Blogger in Waiting

Dear Waiting,
Having been on the receiving and giving end of some criticism my advice is the same as if you were face to face with a person with whom you disagree. Let kindness rule the day. Use “I” statements and simply be aware one person’s perfect cup of tea is another’s idea of a reason to run gagging from the room. It’s a big world and there are lots of viewpoints out there. My advice, wait no more! Your opinion is as valuable as the next guy/gal’s.

If you want to be acknowledged for your letters, let me know. Otherwise all will remain anonymous. Send your responses and your new questions for Deb, to editor@communityreporter.org or by mail to Ask Deb, c/o Community Reporter, 265 Oneida St., St. Paul 55102.

Weaving In and Out of Expectations | 1.11

So, Readers, how were your holidays? Mine were a fine dance of weaving in and out of expectations I have that I can provide sugar-plum fairies, warm and tender quality moments for an extended family approaching fifty-some in numbers, meet professional/community commitments, be my husband’s dream-lover, take great care of myself and, get this, never touch a “drop” (if you know what I mean… Yup, that’s what I mean all right). ’Tis the season for me to become a near tea-totaler. I’ve relished the coziness of a fire, a good book, hot cups of tea and the proverbial “thou” — whoever that may be at the moment, as in children, grandchildren, parents, siblings and dear friends. Long live the Holidays! Now, let’s get this New Year going, eh?

Dear Deb,
I live in an old house just off West Seventh. I’m in my early 20s and haven’t had a full-time or regular part-time job since I left high school at age 16. My mom rents this house for me, and she lives across town with my stepdad. Since the house has three bedrooms and I can use the money, I let my buddies stay here with me and they have to help with some cash and food. Here’s my problem. It seems like the homeowner neighbors are out to get my friends and me for just being young and liking to stay up late and party. They’re always calling the cops or just walking out their doors and standing there staring at us like we’re freaks or something. Seems to me as long as the rent is paid they should just live and let live and just mind their own business. What do you think? Minding my own business

Dear Minding,
I can kind of see your point of view. Especially if your behavior and that of your “buddies” is considerate, respectful and neighborly. I’m guessing there are some things you’re not telling me though. I hate to make assumptions, but if you are out of work, young, left school and prone to partying, you may unwittingly be disrupting the peace in your neighborhood. People who go to school and have jobs usually like a quiet neighborhood by about 10 p.m. Is that about the time you and your buddies shut it down and go inside and turn your voices and music down? As a homeowner myself in a neighborhood much like you describe yours, I know I’m uncomfortable with cars stopping in the middle of the street in the middle of the night for a loud argument filled with angry expletives and apparent drug deals. I may be wrong, but if I even imagine there are guns or drugs or domestic violence involved, I call the cops. I suggest you check yourself because perception is everything. If you look like your behavior is out of line people are going to call the cops and they are going to stare at you like you’re a freak and you simply aren’t going to get a very friendly welcome in the community. You may be a fine upstanding citizen but if that’s not apparent to the neighbors they can make you pretty uncomfortable. Take a minute to think about how you can change that perception.

Dear Deb,
I advocate for candidates for Habitat for Humanity’s housing and am required to make recommendations to the Board about the suitability of the candidates. There are certain criteria each one has to meet before signing on the dotted line. A recent candidate, a single woman with two small children and a baby on the way, seemed ideally qualified and was truly excited to do the work necessary to have a Habitat home. Since filling out the paper work, though she’s moved out of her grandmother’s house where the children were getting loving care, and she’s lost her job and moved in with a man (not the father of the coming baby) who lives with his mother. I asked her if this man plans to become part of her household and she said he’d like to be and wants to sign as the father for her new baby. When asked why she left her grandmother’s house she said, “They didn’t want me to have any fun.” If she were to file an application under the current circumstances she would not be considered for a Habitat home. I really like her and want so much for her to turn her life around and become a homeowner but I’m worried her recent behavior makes her a huge risk for this program. I’ve bonded with her and am not sure how to tell her I can’t, in good conscience, recommend her to the Board. Any ideas? Habitat Volunteer

Dear Volunteer,
It can be difficult to separate the emotional from the necessary practicalities when dealing with nonprofit organizations and those who benefit from them. I suggest sitting down with her and telling her the specific Habitat criteria under which she would have qualified and asking her if she is willing to abide by them now. If she seems wishy-washy or likely to be more interested in “fun” than the responsibilities of home ownership, tell her you no longer feel you can recommend her to the board. Wish her well and let her know she’s welcome to reapply at a later date if her circumstances change. It’s tough love, I know, but I really think it’s the most respectful way to hold this woman accountable.

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Please email if you want to be acknowledged for your letters. All others will remain anonymous. Send responses and questions to editor@communityreporter.org or mail to Ask Deb, c/o Community Reporter, 265 Oneida St, St. Paul 55102.